Go Daddies!

Dads everywhere, no doubt, will be consulting calendars and taking note of that special day when they are recognised and given thanks (or a pair of socks) for all they’ve done for their families over the year.

Yes, Father’s Day is almost upon us… or should that be Fathers’ Day (the placing of that apostrophe is very important) because there are same sex parents out there who will be vying with each other over who should put their feet up and take some credit come June 19.

Husbands Glenn (51) and Gus (46), from Dublin, are a case in point – two gay dads who have certainly put their shoulders to the parenting wheel.

Glenn works part-time in an LGTBQ+ Youth Service and Gus works in banking. For both, parenthood has been front and centre from the very start.

“Some couples just want kids, and we were one of them. Having kids was really important for Gus. When we met it was one of the first questions Gus asked me, and I said ‘yes’,” says Glenn.

“I grew up in a family of five, and it just felt normal for me thinking that I’d have a family of my own someday,” says Gus, who is originally from South Africa. “I think, being gay, it didn’t initially occur to Glenn that becoming parents was a possibility, but once we talked about it, he was keen, too.”

Having adopted their son, Noah (nine), in 2013 and become foster parents to Pauline (17) in April of this year, the couple already have earned their spurs, but do they think it’s a bigger ‘parenting ask’ if both partners are the same sex?

“I don’t think there’s a greater challenge for us compared to a heterosexual couple,” says Glenn. ‘It’s great to have a mum and dad, but there are one-parent families out there, too. We are a gay couple, but we are two carers, two types of love, two different people,” he adds.

“Noah has never said to us, ‘I wish I had a mum’. He has never felt he has missed out on anything because we are both male.”

“We are making sure there are female influences in Noah’s life, so he is a fully-rounded person, and that it’s not all male,” says Gus. “Glenn’s mum and sister visit a lot and are very close to him, and I have female friends, to make sure there is balance.”

Now there is a woman in the house, in the form of Pauline, who has fled the war in Ukraine. When we spoke to Glenn, Pauline had been living with the family for just six weeks.

“It’s early days, but it’s great. Noah and Pauline respect each other. They can see each other’s place in the house.

‘At first, I felt high anxiety – I was trying to take some of the trauma from Pauline, but I know I can’t do that – all we can do is give her a safe home and then provide her with the services she needs.”

Tusla is helping in that respect through the regular visits that both Pauline and her dads have with their respective social workers.

“The support has been great,” says Glenn. “Between us all we’ve put a care plan together – and we make sure to work around what Pauline wants.”

Over the years, both Glenn and Gus have had to endure instances where they have faced discrimination because of their sexuality.

“Being gay, you see feel discrimination. It’s either soft discrimination or hard discrimination – you get shouted at in the street, or you get beaten up,” says Glenn.

Now those experiences of discrimination are suddenly relevant when it comes to raising their son, because Noah is black and is beginning to see societal racism in action.

“Noah came to us one day and said, ‘black skin is bad skin’. We don’t know where he got that from, but we’re starting to teach him about racism and discrimination. He’s reading books about Martin Luther King and other black role models,” says Glenn.

“We tell him that everyone is different and that being different is okay.”

So, have their own experiences growing up, made them more empathetic to what Noah might face in society today?

“Yes and no,” says Gus. “Growing up in South Africa, there was severe racism, and it was a very Christian-dominated culture. These things shape you.

“So, I can empathise with what Noah faces. But everyone has experiences, whether gay or straight, that will make you deal with parenthood in a certain way. For sure I have empathy, but so does everyone else.”

Like most parents, the two dads are doing their best to raise happy and fulfilled children, but in doing so they have seen themselves change as people.

“I am amazed at how patient I can be around the children,” says Gus. “I’d always thought I’d be a strict parent. Normally, I’m a go-getter, moving at fifty miles an hour, but with parenthood, a switch flips and you become more responsible as you try to bring up well-adjusted adults.”

Adds Glenn: “Your parents apart, if you find one person – like a teacher – who can guide you in life … that’s who I want to be for anyone. To be able to give them guidance, love, a safe home, and somewhere to stay for as long as they want.”

As far as parenting goals are concerned, those seem to be pretty good ones to aim for.

Happy Fathers’ Day, Gus and Glenn – put your feet up, you’ve earned it!

For more information about Tusla Fostering call freephone 1800 226 771 or send an email to tusla.fostering@tusla.ie or visit fostering.ie